DragonBall Z Abridged Movie: Revenge of Cooler/Transcript
KAISERNEKO: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cut to an outside shot of Cooler's spaceship in space and then inside showing Freeza killing Bardock and destroying Planet Vegeta on the monitor) SAUZA: Monsieur Cooler! It seems that your brother Freeza is destroying ze Planet Vegeta! COOLER: Very impressive. Killing off a bunch of monkeys. Any liquored-up hillbilly with a shotgun could have done that at the zoo... SAUZA: Wait, sir! (the monitor shows a single spacepod in space) It seems he has missed one ship. We are within range to intercept-- COOLER: No, let it go. SAUZA: But, why? COOLER: Because if he's going to whine to our father for control over the entire system like a spoiled little brat, then he's going to accept the responsibility. If this comes back to bite him, that's his fault. (The monitor shows Planet Vegeta exploding. Cut to an outside shot of an unknown planet with a text reading "27 YEARS LATER" at the bottom. Cut to inside the planet, which is shown to be a deserted wasteland and Cooler's spaceship is seen on the ground.) SAUZA: Monsieur Cooler! COOLER: Hmm? SAUZA: Your brother, Lord Freeza! He has been...le killed! COOLER: Oh, is that right? And who Sauza killed him? SAUZA: It was a...Saiyan! COOLER: Well, I sure hope somebody picks up that phone. (gets up from his chair) SAUZA: The what? COOLER: Because I f**king called it! (Screen zooms in on Cooler's face and turns black and white. "DragonBall Z Abridged" logo appears on the screen and then disappears to show "Revenge of Cooler".) (cut to Kirllin, Gohan, Oolong, and Icarus in a camping area on Earth) KRILLIN: I can't believe your mom's letting you go camping with us after that whole Namek thing. GOHAN: Well, I have to make the excuse that I'm studying fauna. I have to chart down twelve different species of fern. OOLONG: Wow! That smells fantastic! What's in there? KRILLIN: Oh, you know. Just some essentials: carrots, potatoes, pooor...poise. (cut to a outside shot of a lake with a giant fish emerging, being held in the tail by Goku) FISH: Halt stalwart stranger! If you let me go I shall grant you one wish. GOKU: I wish for you to be my dinner. FISH: (in background as Goku punches it off-screen) Help! Help! Help! Heeelp! Heeeeelp! GOHAN: Huh? KRILLIN: Who-hoah! Sounds like Goku caught a big one this time. GOHAN: Actually, something feels...off. (a green figure appears standing behind him) KRILLIN: Gohan! Look out! It’s the Hul-- (gets knocked out) lololololo... GOHAN: Krilli--Uh?! (gets his tail grabbed) (thinking) Goodbye, muscle control. DOORE: (revealed to be the person holding Gohan's tail) Hey! Look what I got right here. Cute little thing, innit? SAUZA: As a space Frenchman, I must say I find this food completely detestable! Ze pork is completely overcooked! OOLONG: (as Doore swings a screaming Gohan by his tail) Rot in hell, Krillin! I almost ate that! GOKU: Hey! You get away from my food, my friend, my two emergency foods, and my son! In that order! SAUZA: Well, well. I believe zat is ze monkey we are looking for. GOKU: Wait, what did he just say? DOORE: Oi! He said you're the monkey we're looking for! GOKU: I-I don't- NEIZ: (speaks unintelligible gibberish) GOKU: ...Alright, just tell me who you are. SAUZA, DOORE & NEIZ: (with Neiz speaking unintelligible gibberish) Cooler's Arrrrmored Squadron! (all three of them strike a pose) GOKU: I am having the worst case of déjà mustard right now. (Cooler's Armored Squadron all charge at Goku. Goku ducks to avoid a punch from Sauza, leaps over a punching Doore, and evades an incoming kick from Neiz.) SAUZA: Le suck it, bitch! (fires a ki blast at Goku, who blocks it and redirects it towards Neiz, who barely dodges it by ducking his head) NEIZ: (roars and then shrieks) (he along with Sauza and Doore land on the ground) SAUZA: Monsieur Cooler! We have zis under control! COOLER: It took us three months to get here. I am not staying in the ship. (Goku turns around and gasps upon seeing Cooler) GOKU: Freezer! SAUZA: Hah! You zink zis is Freeza? No. He is Cooler! GOKU: Cooler than Freezer? You must be ice cold. COOLER: No, that would be my father. GOHAN: (from the sky arriving to the battle) Daaaaad! We're coming to help! COOLER: Oh! Is that your son? GOKU: Yeaaah. COOLER: I'ma kill it. GOKU: Don't you do it. COOLER: I'ma do it. GOKU: Don't you do it! (Cooler fires eye beams at Gohan) Dang it! (flies up and protects Gohan by taking the blast, and then falls into a lake and down a waterfall) COOLER: So, who thinks he's dead? SAUZA: Dead. NEIZ: (speaks unintelligible gibberish) DOORE: That boy's dead as mud! COOLER: Well, too bad. I sign your paychecks. Search the forest. SAUZA: Qu'est-ce que f**k. (screen goes black as licking sounds can be heard) KRILLIN: Oh... Yeah... (shows him getting licked in the face by Icarus) That's right, Maron... Lower... Lower... (wakes up and Icarus makes a sound) Wha?! ICARUS?!... I didn't say stop. (Icarus makes a confused noise) (cut to Goku and Gohan inside a cave) GOHAN: Dad! Wake up! Please! GOKU: Oh. Hey, Gohan. Do you have Icarus? 'Cause I'm staaaaaaaarvin'. GOHAN: Uuuuuhhhh... GOKU: Where are we anyway? GOHAN: We're hidden in a cave. No one can find us, so we should be safe-- (Cooler's Armored Squadron fire multiple ki blasts at the forest, with the falling rocks trapping him and Goku inside the cave) (muffled) Ah, crapbaskets. (shows the entire forest being destroyed) SAUZA: And now, ze perfect place for a shopping mall! It will have a cigarette shop, a baguette restaurant, ze Napoleon Museum, and a movie theatre only showing films starring Jean Reno. Ho ho! I'm French! COOLER: Ah, I see a bunch of idle hands just standing around. So, (clears throat) where's the body? SAUZA: Well, Monsieur Cooler. He has most likely been vaporized, much like a good portion of ze forest. COOLER: Really? Because until I see a body, I believe my brother did a better job at killing him than you. By the end of this I'll have someone's corpse tied to the bumper of my ship. (Cut to nighttime with Doore flying in the sky to search for Goku. Krillin, Oolong, and Icarus are seen at ground level.) KRILLIN: Move! (he and Oolong run ahead but Icarus suddenly stops and sniffs a rock and cries out to alert the others) Icarus, if this is another dead rabbit, I swear to God I'm gonna kill you. OOLONG: He's saying they're trapped under the rocks. KRILLIN: Gohan! Goku! Are you in there? GOHAN: (from the other side) Krillin! We're trapped under the rocks! We're running out of air! Help us! KRILLIN: Wait, why do you need my help? Can't Goku bench press a planet? GOHAN: (from the other side) Krillin, move the damn rocks! (cut to everyone outside the cave) KRILLIN: Alright Gohan, here's the plan. Take Icarus to Korin's Tower so you don't alert their scouters. Pick up some Senzu Beans for Goku and hurry back! GOHAN: Wait, why am I going? KRILLIN: Because last time I hung out with him I totally forgot what his name was and just kept calling him Whiskers the Wonder Cat the whole time. It was really awkward. (Gohan takes off to the skies riding on Icarus) GOKU: Krillin, what smells like dragon's breath? KRILLIN: Shame, Goku. Lots and lots of shame. (he and Goku are now hiding inside the cave with a few of the forest animals) (Cut to Gohan and Icarus in the sky. Icarus is panting with exhaustion.) GOHAN: Come on, Icarus. Not much longer. (sees the path up to Korin's Tower) Ah! The tower! I wonder how Yajirobe and Korin are doing. (cut to Korin and Yajirobe in the middle of an argument) YAJIROBE: I told you to use the brush before you got in the shower! Your hair clogs up the drain! KORIN: And I told you to stay out of my kitty treats! Seriously, they're for cats! Why do you eat them?! (cuts to Gohan looking at Yajirobe when he speaks and Korin when he speaks) YAJIROBE: I swear, the only reason I live here is because it's rent free! KORIN: The only reason I let you live here is because you give the best belly rubs for a hundred miles. GOHAN: Ummm... YAJIROBE: Don't say that in front of the kid! KORIN: What? You should be proud. You know how to rub this pussy real good. GOHAN: Can...I have my Senzu Beans? YAJIROBE: Sure, fine. Here. (throws Gohan a bag of Senzu Beans) KORIN: Hey! Those are my Senzu Beans! You can't just-- YAJIROBE: Hey, here's another one. (throws one more Senzu Bean at Gohan) KORIN: You prick! That's it! I'm done! Grab your stuff and get off my tower! GOHAN: (thinking) Just keep moving, Gohan. (flies off) KORIN: Dah! Ahh, ya scared him off! YAJIROBE: You were the one screaming your head off. KORIN: ...I want one. YAJIROBE: I told you. I'm not ready for kids! KORIN: Well when WILL you be ready? YAJIROBE: I don't know, okay?! (cut to inside the cave where it's now dawn and Krillin wakes up) KRILLIN: Huh? It's morning?! Goku, are you-- GOKU: (talking in his sleep) Ah, yeah. That's right Chi-Chi. Pour that maple syrup...all over my breakfast. You beautiful lady who lives in my house. (cut to Gohan riding Icarus in the sky, with Icarus flying at full speed) GOHAN: You know, Icarus. I know you like flying fast, but maybe we should be more careful now just to-- SAUZA: Well hello, Diddy. Where's Donkey? (Gohan turns around and sees Cooler's Armored Squadron behind him and blasts Icarus, sending it flying down to the ground.) GOHAN: Icarus! (dodges a punch by Neiz, but he gets sent flying by another punch by him and then gets his head grabbed by Doore) DOORE: Hey, boys! Remember when I said I once popped an ape's skull with me bare hands? Check this out. (starts crushing Gohan's head with his hand, but gets hit from behind with a ki blast and releases Gohan) Bloody hell? (the person who shot the blast is revealed to be Piccolo) PICCOLO: Okay, I think I got this one. (to Sauza) Pretty one. (to Doore) Stupid one. (to Neiz) One with weird powers. DOORE: Oi! I appreciate that but I say I'm more handsome than pretty. SAUZA: And my powers are not zat weird! NEIZ: (roars) PICCOLO: ...Okay, I take it back. You’re all stupid. (removes his turban) DOORE: Someone check the clock! 'Cause I believe it's go time! (charges and tries punching Piccolo, but all he hits is his cape) PICCOLO: ¡Olé. (elbows Doore, sending him flying past Gohan, and then starts fighting Neiz) Gohan! You know what to do! GOHAN: Yes sir, Mr. Piccolo! (flies off) DOORE: I got the little bugger! (chases after Gohan) PICCOLO: I meant back me up! (fires a ki blasts at Niez, who evades it by ducking his head) NEIZ: (makes a taunting noise) SAUZA: You babbling fool! He was aiming for Doore! (Piccolo kicks Neiz away) DOORE: Huh? (sees the incoming ki blast) Oh, no. No,no,no,no, no. (tries moving away from the blast, but it keeps following him) No,no, no. No, no, no, no, no. (tries blocking the ki blast with his hands) No, no, no, no, no, NO! (gets obliterated by the blast) NEIZ: (speaks unintelligible gibberish and paralyzes Piccolo with an electric attack) SAUZA: Zat is right! I forgot you could do zat! Brilliant! I'm going to go get zat child! You finish him off and bring ze body back to Cooler! You know how he likes zat! NEIZ: (speaks unintelligible and approaches Piccolo) PICCOLO: Gotcha, bitch! (grabs Neiz's face and frys him with his own attack and then fires two ki blasts at Sauza) SAUZA: Huh? (sees the incoming blasts and deflects them) Ha! Bon mon ami, but not bon enough. (Piccolo suddenly appears and kicks him in the face) Merde! (cut to Sauza and Piccolo flying through a forest with "The Forest Battle" from Star Wars playing) NAIL: (Hey, know what this reminds me of? That scene from Return of the Jedi.) PICCOLO: (thinking) Not now, Nail. (Sauza fires a ki blast that destroys a small portion of the forest and takes a moment to catch his breath while standing on a tree) SAUZA: Huh? (dodges a couple of attacks from Piccolo, who's now attacking by stretching his arms) NAIL: (Wow, I didn't know we could do that.) PICCOLO: (thinking) Yeah, I forget about them sometimes too. (Sauza lights up an energy blade on his hand) NAIL: (Oh, man. Speaking of Star Wars, check that out. Light saber.) (Sauza cuts Piccolo in the gi) PICCOLO: (thinking) Light sabers don't stick out of people's arms! NAIL: (It's totally making the same sound; you can't make that up.) (Piccolo grabs Sauza's arm with both hands) SAUZA: If you strike me down I will only become-- (gets punted into the air and above the forest) Ugh! NAIL: (And it's good!) SAUZA: You insolent slug! You may have killed our men, but "He" won't let you get away with this. PICCOLO: Oh, really? And who's he? COOLER: (off-screen) That's "He" with a capital H by the way. (blasts Piccolo in the chest) (cut to Krillin and Goku inside the cave) KRILLIN: Goku, you okay? GOKU: I've got...a fever. KRILLIN: Oh, no! what should I-- GOKU: And the only prescription...is Icarus. KRILLIN: What? GOKU: Dragon meat is yummy and I really want it in my tummy. GOHAN: Dad, I'm back. KRILLIN: What took you so long? GOHAN: I...lost Icarus halfway here, but I have these Senzu Beans! GOKU: Ahh, but those are bland and tasteless! (the bag of Senzu Beans get blasted and ignites on fire on the ground) You know, in my experience, cooking actually makes them worse. SAUZA: (standing outside of the cave) Oh, I'm sorry. I saw you risking your life for those and I thought "Wow, those must be important". Please tell me they were important. KRILLIN: Those were our only hope, you bastard! (charges at Sauza) GOHAN: (as Krillin is heard getting beaten up by Sauza off-screen) Krillin, no! I probably should have mentioned I still had this one. (takes a Senzu Bean from inside his obi) Here, Dad. Eat up. GOKU: Why does this one smell weird? (Sauza knocks Krillin through a rock) GOHAN: Krillin! Don't worry, Dad! You take Cooler and I'll take the small fry-- (Sauza kicks him away) Dad, help! SAUZA: And now to lay the coup de grâce to the King of Kongs. (scouter goes off) What? Whose power level is that? It's going off the scale, but the only one in there was the dying monkey and the pig. Sacrebleu...! Could it be...the Legendary Super Swine?! (scouter blows up) Ze hell? (gasps and sees Goku fully recovered and standing outside the cave) GOKU: So. I really don't think I appreciate you beating on my friends and family. COOLER: So, wait. Which one does this constitute? Friend or family? (shows him in the sky holding Piccolo's body) I'm going to guess friend, considering. GOKU: *gasps* Piccolo! You give him here. COOLER: Oh, I wouldn’t go anywhere near him if I were you. He seems to have come down with a terrible case of explosions. (drops Piccolo) GOKU: What? (Piccolo blows up and land on the ground) *gasp* Is that contagious? (gets punched in the face by Sauza, who snickers but gasps when he sees it has no effect) Seriously, I don't want to catch that. COOLER: Unfortunately, after I kill you, I'm to give the whole planet a terrible case of explosions. So basically I'm going to blow up the planet. GOKU: Goku, attack mode activate! (Goku powers up, knocking Sauza away, and proceeds to punch Cooler in the face and launches him with a kick. As Goku attempts to attack with another punch, Cooler stops him by grabbing both his wrists.) COOLER: I see how you handled my little shit brother so easily. (he and Goku fall into the water and later resurfaces near a waterfall) And that is the history of my family. GOKU: Wow, I'm sorry about your dad. COOLER: Oh, don't even get me started again. GOKU: Well I assure you, if I ever have a son I'll treat him better. COOLER: Really. It's my brother's fault, pissing and moaning if he didn't own every galaxy. And didn't he just ramble on, (in a whiny voice to imitate Freeza) "'Dirty monkey' this, 'dirty monkey' that."? GOKU: Oh, that is just him! That is exactly him! To a P. COOLER: See, now. That's the difference between him and I. He liked to talk. I, on the other hand... (roars and transforms into his Final Form) (speaking in a voice resemblant to Bane from The Dark Knight) Tonight I dine on monkey soup. (covers his mouth with a mask and charges at Goku, who manages to escape by disappearing into the sky) GOKU: Why do I let people do that? (Cooler divekicks him, sending him across the ground, and then punches him into a wall) COOLER: I'ma plant me a dumbass tree! (plants Goku inside the ground, who reappears between the seperated water) That all you got, monkey? GOKU: Haaaaiiiii... (turns Kaio-Ken X20 and prepares a Kaio-Ken X20 Kamehameha wave) COOLER: Oh, this is gonna be great...! GOKU: (fires the X20 Kamehameha wave) ...yaaaaaaaaaaah! COOLER: (flies through the Kamehameha wave and appears in front of Goku) Avon calling! (punches Goku into a wall and kicks him in the stomach) GOKU: (as he gets kicked) Aaaaaggghh! Ugh. (drops his head) COOLER: Look at you, wasted and gasping for air. But you don't get to go, yet... When your planet is in ashes... then, you have my permission to die. GOKU: (falls out of the wall and yelps as he hits two rocks and hits the ground with a bird landing near him) Oh, hello birdie. I'm gonna call you...Toriyama. (Toriyama appears to die) Toriyama, no! You were taken before your time. No. No... NOOOOOOOOOO! COOLER: The Devil!? GOKU: Go Toriyama...and teach a dinosaur to ride a ball. (heals Toriyama, who flies off, and is now seen as a Super Saiyan and glares at Cooler) COOLER: I see. This must be the power you used to kill my brother. Well don't think that I'll-- (Goku suddenly grabs his arm) Aaahhh! GOKU: Not going anywhere for a while? COOLER: (breaks free and punches Goku in the stomach, which has no effect) Huh? GOKU: Grab a Snickers. COOLER: I can't help but feel we're both missing some context here. (groans as Goku knees him in the stomach) My gas pocket! GOKU: Now get off my planet! COOLER: Well alright, if you insist. Ha! (fires a Death Flash at Goku, which does nothing to him, and is seen holding a Supernova after the smoke clears) Technically I can't be on a planet if there IS no planet! GOKU: Now you're just arguing semetics! COOLER: By the way. Before I throw this thing, did my brother do this? GOKU: Yeah but his was smaller. COOLER: Knew it! Ha! (throws the Supernova at Goku, who screams and grabs it, struggling to hold onto it) See, this is the difference. My brother would have stood around postulating and claiming his victory, like some haughty green horn child. I know what it takes to get the job done. Which is why father should have... GOKU: (starts lifting the Supernova) Ka... Me... Ha... Me... COOLER: Oh, that's fine. Go ahead, lift it up. I'll just make another one and-- GOKU: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (fires a Kamehameha wave to send the Supernova back at Cooler) COOLER: Oh, that's getting really clo...OOOOOOOOSE--! (grabs the Supernova and gets launched into space) I know there is some kind of hubristic irony to consider here, but I'm far too distracted by the coldness of space! Wait... (turns to see a light in the distance) ...no, now it's actually getting sort of toasty. (sees that the light in the distance is the Sun) Oh, shit! Now it's REALLY getting toasty! (collides with the Sun) ''AGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! EVERYTHING IS BURNING! ''(shivers in pain) I really am just like my brother... (in flashback) COOLER: Because if he's going to whine to our father for control over the entire system like a spoiled little brat, then he's going to accept the responsibility. If this comes back to bite him, that's his fault. (in the present) COOLER: (thinking) But at least I know I'm still...Cooler. (screams and blows up with the sun, which cause the Earth to completely black out) MR. POPO: Huh, hold on a second. (the sun flickers back into existence and lights up the Earth) GOKU: (is shown lying on the ground) Sun, you grow my food. You kill my enemies. You're totally worth the skin cancer. KRILLIN: Goku! You're okay! (lifts Goku up) GOHAN: You won! GOKU: Yep, and we all pitched in. Except Icarus. (Icarus squawks) Come here! Goku's hungry! GOHAN: Wait, what are you... GOKU: I wanna eat your dragon! (the credits start rolling but suddenly stops) SAUZA: Hold ze f***ing frog legs! (is seen heavily damaged and laughs evilly) You may have defeated Monsieur Cooler, but now you face the wrath of Sauza! (gets impaled by a Special Beam Cannon) (thinking) I will see you in space hell, cousin Jeice. (collapses on the ground, dead) GOKU: Seriously, give me your dragon. ("There's Always Someone Cooler" by Ben Folds starts playing as the credits roll, with the background image zooming out to reveal Icarus' skeleton)